Feb. 6th, 2012

michaeljangelo: (Stoned)

[The feed springs to life on what appears to be an empty, yet lived in, kitchen with a breakfast bar font and center. The frame jostles slightly as the yet unseen "director" adjusts the shot just so. A green face dips in upside down from the topmost margin of the screen. His bright blue eyes dart from the screen to the webcamera and then back again.]


[The skin around his eyes crinkles, and there's a rather sizable smile in his tone. Then, as abruptly as he appears, he's gone. Though, close observers will notice a quick green blur on the left disappear behind the breakfast bar. There's a quiet click before the dulcet tones of Weird Al Yankovic's immortal composition, "Eat It" plays in the background. The song's a bit tinny, and audiophiles will recognize that it comes from a tape deck, as opposed to a compact disk or .mp3.]

[On top of the breakfast bar appears a cardboard sign proclaiming this production to be an episode of
"Flat Broke Gourmet: The City on $0 a Day"]

And here's your host! Michaelangelo!

[The music is clicked off and up our host rises from behind the breakfast bar. He's a barely five foot tall turtle, and he's smiling at you.]

Hi! And welcome to the Flat Broke Gourmet. I'm your host, Michaelangelo. And today we're going to create one of my favorite no-money-down recipes: Tuna Casserole Surprise. Mmmm. Delicious.

The trick is to find the right market-slash-bodega to shop at. [Insert finger quotes here.] And when I say shop, what I really mean is dumpster dive. As any highly trained dumpster diver knows, you can't just apply your craft just anywhere willy-nilly. For the highest quality products you want to look for somewhere high end enough that they actually believe Sell By Dates are non-negotiable, but not so fancy that they won't carry the ingredients you'll need for whatever recipe you've decided to call dinner. And what are those ingredients? Well, for Tuna Surprise...

[He leans to one side and pulls cutting board on which the ingredients of the recipe have been carefully arranged across the breakfast bar. A green three-fingered hand points out each ingredient as they are named.]

Ramen syle pre-cooked noodles. Cream of mushroom soup. Canned tunafish. And last, but certainly not least, Lay's brand potato chips. Very important, those chips. They'll be providing the ever important crumb topping, but wait! I'm getting ahead of myself. First we need to preheat the oven.

[Mike turns away from the camera, and focus his attention on the oven behind him.]

You'll want to preheat your oven to 350 degrees. When you do this really depends on what type of oven you have, the model, the time of year, and how long it takes for your stolen-from-the-surface-dwellers utilities to kick in.

[That last one comes with a mug specifically tailored for the camera.]

With that done, we can turn our attention to the whole layering process. But first, we need a pan to contain the layers. I highly recommend these disposable tin foil roasting pans. They're sturdy, easy to find because most people think they're one-use only and toss'em instead of cleaning them, and most importantly...you can sanitize them. They'll be no visits from Uncle Sal this day. Not on my watch.

[Here he reaches to the other side of the breakfast bar to retrieve just such a pan.]

Through the magic of television, I just so happen to have one that's already been reclaimed, cleaned, and dried. [Mike could give Vanna White a run for her money.]

First things first, we need to lay down our basement layer. The ramen layer.
[He reaches and grabs the first brick of the dried noodles.]

Feel free to try and pull them apart if you like, I just like to lay them down like bricks.
[There's another brick of noodles, then another, and another, until the entire bottom of the pan is covered.] Now we can add the tuna.

[There's a brief pause where he reaches behind the counter to retrieve what appears to be a black steel Japanese-style throwing knife. If you've ever wanted to see a giant turtle open a can of tuna using a throwing knife, now's your chance. Feel free to adjust your bucket lists accordingly.]

What you want to do is make sure that the tuna is evenly distributed on top of the noodles. Heads will roll if some portions have more tuna than others.

[His face becomes a mask of pure unadulterated sincerity here. His eyes narrow.]
I'm not kidding. People could get hurt.

[In an instant his smile returns.]
Feel free to dump what ever liquid came in the can with the tuna. A little extra moisture never hurt this recipe. It is strong like bull.
[Don't ask what accent he just employed. It probably doesn't exist anywhere other than his brain.He finishes the tuna application, and then brings over a couple of cans of the soup, which he also opens using the same knife technique.]

Now we'll pour the soup on the noodles like so. You may need more than one can to accomplish this, but trust me, it'll be worth it when the noodles absorb all the mushroom and creamy goodness. But what really locks in the flavor is the crisp, crunchy, potato chip crust. And to help me make that I'm going to call upon my lovely assistant Raphael. Raph! Go long!

[He picks up a couple of bags of chips and lobs them to someone off camera, presumably Raph. And judging by the speed at which the bags are returned to Mike...or shall we say Mike's head, it's clear that Raph wants nothing to do with the proceedings. Mike manages to duck his head into his shell ever so slightly so as to avoid the oncoming projectile. It's a shame the webcamera set up doesn't have the same ability. The second bag hits the camera, knocking it onto the floor.]

Uh...we'll be right back, after this brief commercial break.


michaeljangelo: (Default)

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